We're all stories, in the end.: 5/14/13

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

5/14/13

"I like to take off my glasses sometimes and just stare at the world. It's weird, because I know I can't see far off, so it's all blurry, but it feels like home in this absurd sort of way. When I have my glasses on everything's too solid, too sharp, too real. And sometimes, I just need a little less real."

Infrequent Musing

Past Musings

Lately it's been hard. Life in general. But, then again, no one said it would be particularly easy. I think Joe put it best...

"It is sobering to reach a moment in your life when it stops being a question of what is the best way to succeed, and turns into a question of what is needed to subsist and how much is even possible.

Think I can finally say I understand what they mean when they say that you have to lose everything to really appreciate anything. I look forward to reading the stories that are born from this when it is all said and done."

I won't bore you with the details, but the long and short of it is that everything's gone to shit. And, to be honest, it sucks. How can it not? I don't like it when people tell me to take a bad situation and make something good from it. I don't think they understand what a bad situation is. When you're dealing with things beyond your control that are bad, it's not exactly possible to make it good. I'd like to tell those people "What? Would you like me to look at my grandmother's dementia and say 'Well, this is a positive thing' because I can't." I will say though, that it is possible to find something positive despite the bad. Revel in the smallest victory of, perhaps, a tasty meal. But, to think for a moment that it's possible to make something bad into something good is complete bull shit. Lately, though, even a small victory is hard to hang on to. All I can say is; when you find yourself figuratively drowning, hang on to something. It could be a hobby or a TV show, or a book. But find something that keeps you looking forward to something. It's so easy to lose all connection to reality and just slip away under the relentless waves, but you can't. It seems so pathetic to have to rely on something like a TV show to keep you breathing from day to day, but to be honest, sometimes that's all you can do. I know that I haven't always needed something to motivate me not to give up. But, God, when you're so low, it doesn't even matter anymore how pathetic it seems. You just keep going, doing what you have to do to make it to the next day. I know that everything gets better. I can even picture the end of everything that's going on, but right now, it's not that easy to believe in an end you can see. For now, I'm just living, subsisting on the basics, and waiting for this to all be over. That's what you do.

On the 7th of January I promised my mother that I would drop my AP classes and my electives if she stopped going to choir. It might seem drastic. But you need to understand that my mom is one of the strongest women I know, and right now, she's about to give up. Choir is her life raft. It's a reason to keep going.

I'm just waiting for when I can tell stories about this.